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Governor's office reviewing trips made by annual gift giver Claus - Parody by Scott Lazar |
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Monday, December 12 2005 @ 05:32 PM EST
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North Pole (UPA). The governor's office is reported to be looking into allegations of unauthorized, globe-circling trips taken by the Commonwealth's chief gift-giving manager S.
Claus. The investigation was prompted by questions asked by news site Groklaw after reviewing Mr. Claus's forms filed with the Administration and Finance Department and comparing them to flight plans filed at Svalbard Airport, the world's northernmost
airport with regularly scheduled jet service, located in Longyearbyen, Norway, which revealed
flights, possibly unauthorized, being scheduled annually for the late evening hours of
December 24th, dating back to the opening of the airport in 1975 and quite possibly
before. No matching forms could be found filed by Mr. Claus with the state agency.
It has been widely reported anecdotally since the advent of commercial air-traffic
control radar that every year in late December, a small craft purportedly flown by Mr.
Claus has appeared on radar worldwide at such diverse locations as Aspen,
Colorado in the United States, Helsinki Finland,
Toyko, Japan, the UK, the Canary Islands and Australia. What is not known is
whether Mr. Claus has ever received authorization for the flights, the transportation of
goods across local, national, and international boundaries, landing permission for his
aircraft, as well as whether proper authorization paperwork and financial information was ever filed. In the past Mr. Claus has claimed that his trips were goodwill visits and were
entirely self-financed. However, Groklaw has learned from anonymous sources that Claus has received gifts on these trips, including milk and cookies, and the investigation will seek to determine whether any improper influence was involved. Additionally, there are questions about whether proper prior permission was sought to leap down Commonwealth chimneys. Speculation abounds that Mr. Claus may be charged with multiple counts of breaking and entering.
Mr. Claus said, in an email interview, that he was told by his supervisor he didn't need to fill out any paperwork, that his supervisor had verbally authorized his flight plans, and that he's done no harm to any homes accessed.
Attempts were made to reach Mr. Claus's supervisor, but he did not return phone messages. Claus is much in demand for personal appearances, but when questioned by Groklaw as to how he justified personal appearance visits with the fact that no one has ever been able to verify having seen him, Claus said, "I believe my record speaks for itself. I'm a little busy this month. Could you ping me again next month, please? Honestly, though, I'm just trying to be helpful to the Commonwealth."
When contacting airports around the world, Groklaw found few willing to comment. However, ominously, Ushuaia, Argentina airport spokesman Teniero
DeSalle told Groklaw that he had no information regarding
any flights or flight plans filed with his airport for any flight originating from the North
Pole, whether for late December or any other time period. Mr. Claus is known to have visited Argentina every year since 1976. Mario Lemming, spokesman for JFK, similarly had no information to provide, engendering further suspicion. International Association of Elvish Sleigh Loaders (IAES) president Randall Smallfoot's
office issued this statement:
"We work to the stipulations as drawn up by our labor agreement. We believe that we have put forth a good faith effort each holiday
season. Similarly, we thought that Mr. Claus was well within his
job parameters and had the authority to perform these annual trips. I feel sure he will provide sufficient justification for
his actions and the investigation will confirm that. Of course, I know nothing about his paperwork. Perhaps he has a problem there."
"The lack of an audit trail is probably the most troubling aspect of this entire gift-giving enterprise," state spokesperson Dee Ann Roamer announced. "We are deeply
concerned that certain companies may be exerting unfair influence upon Mr. Claus's decision-making processes. We are mystified how Mr. Claus is consistently able have access to
vast supplies of the most sought-after presents, when many in our Commonwealth are
not. The paperwork is a vital part of his job, and we are appalled to find huge gaps, going back so many years, in his reporting. Further, many of the places Claus visited are known as tourist attractions, and there are questions to what extent he may have been wined and dined on these trips."
Last month, a bill was introduced that would require the Commonwealth to purchase all toys from properly registered proprietary toy stores, based on specifications that many observers believe were drawn up specifically to make it impossible for Claus to visit Commonwealth homes in the future. Questioned by Groklaw, Ms. Roamer said there was no connection between the investigation and the bill's introduction. However, she added, "I do think there is reason to question why anyone would be giving toys away free. Who paid for them? Most normal people buy their toys at stores, and we are concerned about the implications for the economy if people start giving presents away they obtained somehow for free themselves. That's what raised our suspicions, and we plan to get to the bottom of this."
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Authored by: webster on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 05:46 PM EST |
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webster
>>>>>>> LN 3.0 >>>>>>>>>[ Reply to This | # ]
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- IAES? - Authored by: stend on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 06:35 PM EST
- Alterations here - Authored by: ChrisP on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 07:33 PM EST
- Nope - Authored by: tyche on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 07:56 PM EST
- Alterations here - Authored by: Anonymous on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 09:21 PM EST
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Authored by: Anonymous on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 05:47 PM EST |
You all know the drill. [ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: Anonymous on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 05:49 PM EST |
HO HO HO!
:-)
...D[ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: Anonymous on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 05:56 PM EST |
If it's good enough for the United States Air Force then it's good
enough for me. [ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: Acrow Nimh on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 06:06 PM EST |
...and please make 'em clickable...
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IANA, so don't need to say IANAL ;¬)[ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: dcmoose on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 06:11 PM EST |
http://www.groklaw.net/article.php?story=20031106164630915
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DC
Registered Linux User #1000111011000111001
Why I love OSS: http://support.microsoft.com/?kbid=111601[ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: Wesley_Parish on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 06:16 PM EST |
This individual is widely
known for daring break-ins during the Christmas period throughout the Western
World. If you see him, you
are advised to contact your local friendly counter-terrorism unit as quickly as
possible. --- finagement: The Vampire's veins and Pacific torturers
stretching back through his own season. Well, cutting like a child on one of
these states of view, I duck [ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: so23 on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 07:06 PM EST |
That must make life exciting in the lifts and carpark. [ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: Anonymous on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 07:08 PM EST |
Could they be extraordinary rendition flights...? [ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: PM on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 07:21 PM EST |
It actually gets worse than this. Reindeer are unsuited to the arid conditions
of the Australian Outback, so Mr Claus apparently swaps the reindeer for 'six
white boomers' (kangaroos) durng the Australian leg of the journey.
It would seem there are irregularities relating to the hire, care and feeding of
these kangaroos as well as the grazing of the deer while he is in Australia.
[ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: ChrisP on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 07:50 PM EST |
Has anyone else here noticed the stunning job Ms. Hamel been doing both
rhetorically and legally supporting Peter Quinn and previously Eric Kriss in
their drive towards open standards and the modernization of MA's IT
infrastructure?
She's provided a sound legal basis for making the ODF decision in the first
place, performed well in that Senate hearing, and provided two excellent briefs
to Senator P. and the Legislature which if there is any justice in this world
would stop the opposition in their tracks.
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SCO^WM$^WIBM^W, oh bother, no-one paid me to say this.[ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: mrcreosote on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 08:01 PM EST |
Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here? This thing here.
Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause. That's in every contract. That
just says uh, it says uh, "If any of the parties participating in this
contract is shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is
automatically nullified."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know...
Driftwood: It's all right, that's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what
they call a 'sanity clause'.
Fiorello: Ha ha ha ha ha! You can't fool me! There ain't no Sanity Clause!
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mrcreosote[ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: rsi on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 08:22 PM EST |
Hope those in Mass. Government get the message! We all needed a good laugh over
this! ;^)
Thanks PJ![ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: JohnHTerpstra on Monday, December 12 2005 @ 10:44 PM EST |
It apprears that the Commonwealth is unware that Mr. Claus' reindeer have always
been open range fed.
<br>
When the news leaked that the Commonwealth is considering a bill requiring the
use of factory reared force-fed reindeer, Mr. Claus was quick to evaluate the
proprietary variety. He soon realized that this would not work. Proprietary
reindeer are not of the convenient standard size that is necessary for swift
Dec. 24th delivery duty. They neither fit the highly customized sleigh, nor are
they up to the duty cycle.
<br>
Extensive investigation has shown that all proprietary reindeer are larger,
obese, unhelathy, and much too slow to be of practical use.
<br>
Mr. Claus would like the Commonwealth to recognize that a bill such as has been
shown so far will cost far more than a superficial estimate might entail.
Before passing said bill, it would make much sense to gain feedback from
tax-payers and their children's children.
<br>
Perhaps Mr. Clause, after he has filed the appropriate forms justifying the
last twenty years' Dec. 24th travel and entertainment (whether self-funded, or
paid by friendly supporters) will have time to make a final appeal before the
fate of the bill is determined.
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When all is said and done, there is more said than done.[ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: luvr on Tuesday, December 13 2005 @ 04:33 AM EST |
That's what raised our suspicions, and we plan to get to the
bottom of this.
Hmmm... Was this intended as a
parody of what Darl McBride once said of his suspicions about Groklaw ("We
plan to get to the bottom of this!"), or is it just my imagination?
;^) [ Reply to This | # ]
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Authored by: Woad_Warrior on Tuesday, December 13 2005 @ 09:30 AM EST |
In related news, the U.S. Customs Dept. has issued an arrest warrent for Mr.
Claus for bringing reindeer into the country without them going through the
proper quarantine procedures. A spokesman for customs stated that his
irresponsible behavior in transporting these animals across national and state
borders without following the proper quarantine procedures could result in
massive health problems for the U.S.'s deer population.
When reached at his North Pole workshop, Mr. Claus stated that he has done
nothing wrong, but that he would not be visiting the homes of any U.S.
government officials.[ Reply to This | # ]
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