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Whilst this machine might have no physical components that could be described as "urgency sensors", it's as if it has. It seemingly knows the user's emotional state by how desperate he or she is to complete a given task. Malfunctions occur proportional to that exigency. This is an inescapable fact. Attempts to use another machine cause it to malfunction too, for all machines are holistically coupled at the lowest quantum levels. Nothing can be done about this -- it's just how the basic fabric of the physical universe meshes -- we apologise for the inconvenience. Threatened or actual violence only exacerbate. Keep cool and say nice things to it, for nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.

If you can't deal with this, phone the [redacted] helpline on [redacted]. Whilst we can't promise to fix the machine itself, we can at least help you come to terms with it. We're professionals -- we're here to listen and sympathise.

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• SYS$WELCOME - Authored by: Anonymous on Tuesday, June 12 2012 @ 09:18 AM EDT

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