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ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar - Updated by Groklaw's ColdPizza Gang
Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 07:04 PM EST

There is no way Scott Lazar can read Coldplay's DRM notice of terms and conditions without inspiration striking. So here is his latest, ColdPizza. Groklaw has no law against creativity, so feel free to add your own touches. Enjoy!

Update: Some of your additions were so much fun, I asked Scott if we could incorporate them. He thought it was a good idea, so he picked out the best he wanted to add to his original. I've made the additions italic, so you can see the differences. For credits, just look through the comments. There are many more that are also fun. One suggests that the following terms are found printed on the back of the pizza, or alternatively, under the cheese. Another suggests you obtain pizza only with a GNU Pizza license, to which another says: and only with open sauce topping.

I loved the reaction to one confession by Groklaw's RealProgrammer to making pizza omelettes out of cold pizza:

You will pay dearly for that, Mr. RealProgrammer.

The PIAA (Pizza Industry Ass. of America) does not find it amusing that you would pirate the hard work of their members. Creative people making almost minimum wage put many years of total effort into that recipe, and they have a right to insist that you only use the ingrediants as intended.

The PIAA expects you to identify yourself and pay prompt restitution forthwith. Failure to do so will result in legal action against you and any of your friends or family with which you have shared in this abominable piracy of fine pizza ingrediants. Our legal firm, "Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe" will be in contact with you as soon as they can compel your grocery store to identify you.

We believe our motto says it all: "The PIAA: All your pizza are belong to us!"

And I loved these contributions too:

"Most people, I think, don't even know what salmonella is so why should they care about it?" - ColdPizza VP of marketing, Thomas Hissiefit.

And in latest news:

WASHINGTON -- The pizza industry sued 477 more ColdPizza eaters Wednesday, including dozens of college students at schools in 11 states, accusing them of illegally sharing pizza at parties. "We hope our legal efforts will educate the public that ColdPizza swapping is an illegal activity with serious consequences."

***************************

ColdPizza
~ by Scott Lazar

COLDPIZZA

THIS FOOD PRODUCT (FP) IS A COPY PROTECTED FOOD PRODUCT

Thank you very much for purchasing this FOOD PRODUCT and helping the cause of "Anti-Piracy". The components in this FOOD PRODUCT may have anti-eat/anti-reheat function(s). They cannot be resold, reheated or stored in unauthorized devices. In order to ensure a high quality food experience, we have added this special technology.

Before purchasing or consuming, please read the following:

USAGE GUIDELINES:

This FOOD PRODUCT cannot be re-heated using an unauthorized FOOD PRODUCT Reheating (FP-R) device, nor can it be converted into smaller slices for food sharing.

You may not, through the use of external implements, alter the size of the FOOD PRODUCT.

The maximum ratio of FOOD PRODUCT portions is limited to no more than 3.14159265 servings per person per purchased item. By purchasing this FOOD PRODUCT, you agree in advance to purchase in sufficient quantity so as not to exceed this limitation.

Only officially licensed and legally purchased ingredients and/or toppings may be used in conjunction with this FOOD PRODUCT. As such, you agree not to alter the finished FOOD PRODUCT by either adding unauthorized ingredients or removing any existing ingredients.

By purchasing or consuming this FOOD PRODUCT you agree not to reverse-engineer the FOOD PRODUCT via disassembly for the purpose of obtaining a list of ingredients or calculating the proportions of same.

By purchasing or consuming this FOOD PRODUCT you agree not to independently produce, or aid in the production of, any similar product, whether for personal or commercial use.

You are licensed only to permit the one-time travel of FOOD PRODUCT through a single digestive system in the conventional direction. Re-ingestion, regurgitation or sharing by yourself or others in any other method is specifically denied.

Should the container FOOD PRODUCT is delivered in be stolen, lost, or discarded your license will be terminated. Transferring ownership of the FOOD PRODUCT box by any means (including waste disposal) will be treated as an attempt to resell FOOD PRODUCT.

Re-distribution of FOOD PRODUCT in any fashion is strictly prohibited.

If your license for FOOD PRODUCT is terminated for any reason, any FOOD PRODUCT remaining uneaten, partially digested, uneliminated, or otherwise unincorporated must be immediately returned at your cost to the manufacturer.

The FOOD PRODUCT may incorporate security features that could monitor your use of this and any other food products. Whilst possible side effects may include in rare cases loss of balance, autoimmune irregularities, intestinal discomfort, gout, obesity or even death, you agree in advance to hold Manufacturer blameless.

This FOOD PRODUCT has been manufactured for usage only in specific FOOD PRODUCT cooking devices and storage containers and might not be usable with the following devices:

  • Some FOOD PRODUCT reheaters that have the capability of reheating competing products
  • Some microwave heating devices with pre-defined "Pizza" or "Sandwich" buttons
  • Any FOOD PRODUCT cookers which operate utilizing Celsius temperature scale
  • Some FOOD PRODUCT cookers or reheaters with convection capability
  • Some FOOD PRODUCT (FP-R/RW) reheaters designed for use in dormitory settings
  • Some portable FOOD PRODUCT carrying containers
  • Some serving and/or warming trays
  • Some FOOD PRODUCT cleaning devices, such as generic napkins, paper towels or wet wipes-style products
  • Some denture products, including partial bridges and unapproved full ceramic teeth replacements

Although you can visually and olfactorally inspect the FOOD PRODUCT, this does not imply that the FOOD PRODUCT can be consumed in all situations. The first time that this FOOD PRODUCT is purchased (either for delivery and/or through the use of a debit/credit card) it will automatically register with the production franchise. In addition, the first time that this FOOD PRODUCT is consumed (not necessarily purchased) it will automatically be registered with the production franchise. Thus, non-competing foodstuffs already registered will not affect eating and purchasing functions.

We retain the rights to all "derivative products" resulting from the use of FOOD PRODUCT, as co-mingled with other products during actual act of consumption (i.e. COLLECTIVE WORKS).

If it should be that the olfactory characteristics of ColdPizza are enhanced in the process of creating said COLLECTIVE WORKS (for example by the unauthorized addition of ColdBeer and CoolBeans), we reserve the right to such olfactory augmentations.

In the event that you should declare bankruptcy, you agree to return FOOD PRODUCT to manufacturer, regardless of current FOOD PRODUCT condition.

By purchasing and/or consuming this and any subsequent products, you agree that ColdPizza may share, disseminate and sell to our partners legally obtained demographic data about you and your pizza eating habits.

ColdPizza is designed to be eaten as is or reheated on top of a computer or laptop running only Genuine Windows operating systems. Alternatively, ColdPizza may be reheated on top of an XBox360 system, but under such circumstances ColdPizza will not be held responsible for burned FOOD PRODUCT.

ColdPizza may only be eaten by the original owner and may not be shared, either through physical distribution or via services such as ColdPizza Distribution and Delivery League (CDDL). ColdPizza does not support being heated by placing it on a computer or laptop running either the Mac or a GNU/Linux operating system.

Failure to observer all license terms (to which we retain the right to change at any time without your consent, approval, or knowledge) shall result in the immediate termination of your license. Any such termination will result in the loss of all rights to FOOD PRODUCT and no compensation will be payable.

Except for manufacturing problems, we do not accept any exchange, return or refund.

Through the purchase, delivery, consumption or through the act of opening the container of FOOD PRODUCT you are signifying your agreement to the conditions and stipulations outlined above.

A copy of this agreement is provided on the inside cover of all authorized FOOD PRODUCT containers.

Enjoy your ColdPizza.


Copyright 2006 Scott Lazar and Pamela Jones.


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