Groklaw reader MikeA has contributed a parody press release. He left it as a comment on an earlier story, and I thought it was so funny I asked him if he'd let me put it up here, and he graciously agreed. Enjoy, and remember, it's just a joke, just for fun.
The SCO(R) Group, Inc. Announces New Headquarters In Brazil.
LINDON, Utah, April 19 /PRNewsywire-FirstCall -- The SCO Group, Inc. ("SCO") (Nasdaq: SCOX - News), the "owner" of the UNIX operating system, the C++ coding language and inventor of the question mark ("?") announced today that it has opened its new global headquarters office in Rio De Janeiro. Effective immediately, all senior staff, executive officers and directors are being transferred to the new headquarters, located within the posh financial district at 1942 Extraditione Way. The SCO Group has successfully leased the former headquarters office space in Lindon Utah to a West-coast software development firm which recently began seeking smaller venues due to expected layoffs. Remaining personnel and support staff from all SCO international offices, including Germany and Australia, are expected to move into the new offices in late June after a Stock Incentive Plan is finalized and fully funded.
Darl McBride, CEO, explained that this was a unique opportunity and strategic move for the company to concentrate the knowledge base of the firm and reduce overhead expenses at the same time. "This is a new age that we live in today," McBride said, talking from his flight via SkyPhone en route to the Brazilian city. "This is a world without borders. The internet has shown us that there are no such things as political boundaries anymore, and if you don't wake up to this new reality, you are going to be left behind, without protection, all alone, branded by some pirate cattle-rustler who is going to sell your body -- which is your personal property by the way -- to every and any slaughterhouse which can get their hands on your God-given rights and distribute your flesh throughout the world to each and every supermarket in the world, or McDonalds, which, by the way, is a customer of ours."
McBride's vision was echoed and heralded by many in the IT industry including Laura DiDiot of the independent consulting firm YankeeGoHome Group, and Rob Pretenderle, formerly of the Pretenderle Group but who now heads the newly formed Pretenderle ParaSailing and Beach Towel Rental Group. "Yes...what?...I said, yes...we think it is a brilliant move on...Darl..let go of the phone!..it's MY turn....get me another drink......I was saying it is a brilliant move on the part of SCO. Can you hear me? Hello??" explained Laura DiDiot, apparently on the same flight. Others in the IT industry, however, expressed some reservations about the move. "It makes a lot of sense from a dollar-value standpoint to reduce the overhead costs of office space and labor wages, but I question their choice of country," added one, who asked not to be named. "I mean, why Brazil? The entire country there has just formally switched to using GNU/Linux. They will not be very welcome there. I am trying to think of another reason why they would pick THAT country."
SCO remained undaunted by their critics. "This is about the new world paradigm." McBride explained. "Millions of the greatest U.S. corporations have moved their operations overseas. It is the natural selection of the capitalistic model -- to make money -- because that is our right, secured by the Constitution. Our forefathers wanted it this way. Otherwise they wouldn't have written it! But if I took the Constitution, and copied large parts of it, and then changed it to give-away copied versions in books at Borders bookstores, lots of people would want it because it is really good, but our Founding Fathers would be cheated. They would be forced to go after Borders and its customers because.....No, she ordered the gin and tonic, mine is the Mimosa.....because that is our right to make money under the very Constitution that was stolen in the first place and copied. You see how it works? And Borders bookstores could not possibly be as successful as they are if they hadn't been giving away plagiarized copies of the Constitution, so obviously something is very wrong here. And if we let that happen, what's going to be next? The Declaration of Independence?? We have to stop this now, before the terrorists and other hippie elements steal and rewrite the Bill of Rights, or even worse, the Bible."
News of the strategic move was welcomed on Wall Street, where shares of SCO stock rose sharply for a few brief moments before being de-listed.
This press release contains forward-looking statements related to SCO's mistaken belief that it owns the UNIX Operating System, even though for some strange reason they still pay 95% of their Unix-related revenues to Novell.
The SCO Group (Nasdaq: SCOX - News) helps millions of people in over 82 countries laugh. Headquartered in Lindon, Utah, er... Rio De Janeiro, SCO has a worldwide network of more than 3 shills and 4 MIT Spectral Analysts. SCO Global Services provides reliable PR support and services to financial analysts and uninformed investors worldwide. For more information on SCO products and services, visit http://www.groklaw.net.