Groklaw reader Lloyd Hanson sent me a parody he actually wrote a couple of years ago but has buffed up. As you will see, it seems to have a modern-day relevance, bottled water being all the rage, I hear. Enjoy.
SCHLO Sues Wrestlé Waters of North America in IP Dispute
For Immediate Release: Today, Superior Cold-Hot Libation Organization (NASDAQ Symbol: SCHLOX) announced that it has filed suit in its home state of California against Wrestlé Waters, a division of the Wrestlé Corporation for unlicensed use of SCHLO's Intellectual Property (IP) and patented technology for the use of water in various Wrestlé products. The suit seeks combined actual and punitive damages of 2 trillion dollars from Wrestlé.
In the suit, SCHLO claims that proprietary technology and trade secrets have been misappropriated and re-sold under up to 12 different brand names within the U.S. alone. SCHLO claims to have the patent on water, which it says it perfected countless years ago. According to their company history, SCHLO claims that their invention of water pre-dates the invention of dirt, a product that is now in the public domain.
In an interview with SCHLO CEO and President Snarl McSnide, McSnide stated, "It has long been erroneously thought by scholars and the general public alike that water was a commodity that could be used, reused and manipulated at will. That is not the case, as we at SCHLO through both mergers and acquisitions have come to own the intellectual property used to make water. Further, we have patented and copyrighted the process and chemical combinations necessary in order for water to exist. All we are doing with this suit is asserting our rights of ownership to the chemical compound our corporate predecessors developed, the rights to which we now own."
When asked why SCHLO had taken so long to launch such a suit, when water has been available for eons, in many cases without any associated costs, McSnide responded, "At first we at SCHLO were a little slow to realize that what Wrestlé was doing was bottling and selling a product which was derived from the use of our intellectual property. As soon as we realized they were making billions from something which rightly belonged to us, we elected to file suit to protect our rights as the owner of the intellectual property and chemical process used to manufacture water. These are the steps we took in order to protect the value of our company and to protect the investment of our shareholders. Anything less would be a dereliction of duty by the officers of SCHLO."
SCHLO has been a long time manufacturer of water coolers, water fountains, ice machines and water filtrations systems. In fact SCHLO's largest customers have been the twelve companies who make up the Wrestlé Waters of North America brands. Most of the water coolers rented by the Wrestlé brands to consumers were manufactured by SCHLO. Other water distributors have charged that since SCHLO knowingly sold their own water coolers to Wrestlé and in fact made their coolers according to the industry standard 5-gallon water bottle specifications, they have not only encouraged the use of water but in fact granted an implied license to the use of water without the need for any monetary compensation to SCHLO. "Are you nuts?" McSnide bristled, "We never gave away any of these rights by selling coolers. We didn't know what Wrestlé was going to do with them. Do you think this stuff just falls from the sky? We own the intellectual property for this chemical process."
McSnide continued, "When we discovered that Wrestlé was selling bottles which were literally filled with our intellectual property, we felt we had to protect the value of our stock. Since we filed suit, we have discovered that every other manufacturer and distributor of bottled water is using our patented chemical composition for their profit and without compensation to SCHLO for use of our IP. When it was all broken down, we found that in spite of some other trace minerals found in the solutions of all manufacturers, or the addition of fruit flavorings, the underlying chemical formula was identical to ours. It is obvious to us that by the traces of other minerals and flavorings we found in the products of the other manufacturers, they were attempting to obfuscate the fact that this was our IP they are selling."
"Since we discovered this, we have notified every manufacturer and distributor of bottled water in North America that they are unlicensed users of our product and intellectual property. As a gesture of good faith, we will allow anyone with a legitimate interest in the case to view our chemical makeup for water, alongside the comparative chemical make-up for all 12 of the Wrestlé brands, as well as those from a number of other manufacturers' products, whom we haven't decided if we'll seek compensation from yet or not. You understand, that this is all under non-disclosure agreement. All who have seen the chemical composition of each of the exhibits have agreed that they are if not identical, they are virtually identical to our chemical composition."
Analyst, Laura MeIdiot, says: "I am no lawyer, but from what I was shown, the resemblance is striking and obvious. I'd say Wrestle would do well to take this seriously. At a minimum, they need to indemnify their customers. The market demands it. You can't just sit around the campfire drinking water and singing Kumbaya any more."
"Going forward," McSnide says, "we will be sending letters informing the largest 1500 companies in the U.S. that by not only using the bottled water of Wrestlé, but by using a filter, chiller, container or any dispenser from any manufacturer other than SCHLO, they are in violation of our IP rights, patent rights and copyright rights. This includes every soft drink bottler and beer brewer in the U.S., as soda and beer are obviously derivative works based upon our IP. But it goes beyond that.
"We are sending notifications to all water parks in the U.S. We also intend to put the government of the United States of America on notice that the National Parks Service is also appropriating our IP without license or approval at such places as Yosemite Falls in California, and Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. The National Parks Service derives significant revenue from admissions to those parks and I believe that our shareholders are due a portion of those proceeds. We believe we are entitled to a royalty for every gallon of water that flows over Niagara Falls. We will also seek to license fire departments throughout the world in order to allow them to continue using our products and IP to fight fires within their own communities."
"Within the same letter, we will offer to license for an as-yet-undetermined fee, which will allow them to continue using our products so long as they provide SCHLO with adequate compensation. But lest someone miscontrue our letters as mere marketing hype, we will make clear in the letters that we reserve all our legal options and rights with respect to those who continue to use the products created with our IP without an appropriate license in place." When pressed on what SCHLO's longer term plans might include, McSnide offered his view of SCHLO's future. "SCHLO wants to ensure that its shareholders investments are protected. What do I care about the world's water drinkers? I answer to my shareholders. After we win the lawsuit against Wrestlé, we'll go forward, armed with legal precedent and aggressively pursue any and all companies and individuals who attempt to make use of or derive monetary gain from the unlicensed use of our IP.
"For example, the human body is approximately 75% water. Nowhere do we have even a single license in place for the use of that water. We haven't yet actually removed the water from a human being, but it is on our agenda to do so very soon. We expect analysis to prove that human beings are inappropriately using our IP for their own gain from birth! With approximately 6.3 billion unlicensed users of our IP, we believe there is a balance that can be struck which ensures that the people of earth can be licensed at a reasonable rate. If you drink, bathe, or wash the dog, you owe us. Beyond that, we intend to seek a licensing arrangement with God Almighty to license his use of our IP in the form of rain, ponds, lakes, rivers and oceans."
God could not be reached for comment. Deutsche Bank released a report today setting a $54 target for SCHLOX. "The sky's the limit," DB analyst Brain Seema said.