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The Grinch Who Stole Linux
Thursday, November 06 2003 @ 04:46 PM EST

Long-time Groklaw reader Scott Lazar has written a parody, "The Grinch Who Stole Linux," which he sent to me. I found it delightful, and with his permission, I am sharing it with all of you. Sometimes, it's nice to take a break and just smile. Thanks, Scott.


The Grinch Who Stole Linux
-- by Scott Lazar

Every GNU
Down in GNU-ville
Liked Linux a lot...

But SCO,
who lived just North of GNU-ville,
Did NOT!

SCO hated Linux! The GNU Linux season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that their heads weren't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that their bank account was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason,
Their wallet or their shoes,
They stood there looking at Linux, hating the GNUs,
Staring down from their cave with a sour, SCOy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For they knew every GNU down in GNU-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a free wreath.

"And they're hanging their copyrights!" they snarled with a sneer.
"It's free software! It's practically here!"
Then they growled, with their SCO fingers nervously drumming,
"We MUST find a way to keep Linux from coming!"
For, tomorrow, they knew...

...All the GNU girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their GNU toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing they hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the GNUs, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
They would start on GNU-pudding, and rare GNU-roast-beast
Which was something SCO couldn't stand in the least!

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every GNU down in GNU-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Linux bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the GNUs would start coding and singing!

They'd code! And they'd sing!
And the more SCO thought of the GNU/Linux Sing
The more SCO thought, "We must stop this GNU/Linux thing!
"Why for twelve years we've put up with it now!
We MUST stop Linux from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!

"We know just what to do!" SCO laughed in their throats.
And they made a quick license out of vapors and quotes.
And they chuckled, and clucked, "What a great SCO trick!
"With this license, We'll look just so smart and quick!"

"All we need is a reason..."
SCO looked around.
But since reasons were scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop SCO...?
No! SCO simply said,
"If we can't find a reason, we'll make one instead!"
So they called their dog Micro. Then they took some red thread
And they tied a big SUN on top of his head.

They loaded some bags
And some old empty code
On a ramshakle sleigh
And they hitched up old Micro.

Then SCO said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the GNUs
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the GNUs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When they came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," SCO hissed
And they climbed to the roof, empty bags in their fist.

Then they slid down the chimney. A rather tight hole.
But if Santa could do it, then so could SCO.
They got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then they stuck their heads out of the fireplace flue
Where the little GNU copyrights all hung in a row.
"These copyrights," they grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then they slithered and slunk, with smiles most unpleasant,
Around the GNU's room, and they took every present!
NUMAs! And JFS's! Sambas! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And they stuffed them in bags. Then SCO, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!

Then they slunk to the icebox. They took the GNUs' feast!
They took the GNU-pudding! They took the roast beast!
They cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that SCO even took their last can of GNU-hash!

Then they stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned SCO, "I will take what is free!"

And SCO grabbed the free software, and they started to shove
When they heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
They turned around fast, and they saw a small GNU!
Little Cindy-Lou GNU, who was not more than two.

SCO had been caught by this little GNU daughter
who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at SCO and said, "SCO, why,
"Why are you taking our free Linux? WHY?"

But, you know, that SCO was so smart and so slick
They thought up a lie, and they thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the two-faced leader lied,
"There's code on this tree that won't work on my side.
"So we're taking it home to our workshop, my dear.
"We'll fix it up there. Then we'll bring it back here."

And their fib fooled the child. Then they patted her head
And they got her a drink and they sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou GNU went to bed with her cup,
They went to the chimney and stuffed the code up!

Then the last thing they took
Was the log for their fire.
Then they went up the chimney themselves, the liars.
On their walls they left nothing but hooks, and some wires.

And the one speck of food
They left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

They did the same thing
To the other GNUs' houses

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other GNUs' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the GNUs, still a-bed
All the GNUs, still a-snooze
When they packed up their sled,
Packed it up with their code! The copyrights! The patents!
The free licenses! Wrapped them up in their lies and pronouncements !

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
They rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the GNUs!" they were SCO-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Linux is coming!
"They're just waking up! We know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the GNUs down in GNU-ville will all cry Boo Hoo!"

"That's a noise," grinned SCO,
"That we simply must hear!"
So they paused. And SCO put a hand to their ears.
And they did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

They stared down at GNU-ville!
SCO popped their eyes!
Then they shook!
What they saw was a shocking surprise!

Every GNU down in GNU-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing and coding! Without any worries at all!
They HADN'T stopped Linux from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And SCO, with their SCO-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without charges! It came without price!
"It came without warranties, indemnification or gripes!"
And they puzzled three hours, `till their puzzler was sore.
Then SCO thought of something they hadn't before!
"Maybe Linux," they thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe worth little bit more!"

And what happened then...? GNU-ville they say
That SCO's small heart
Shrank three sizes that day!
At that minute the feeling in their wallets didn't feel quite so fun,
as they whizzed home with their ill-gotten load through the bright Utah sun.
For IBM had arrived, and there was no place to run!

Later that day,
the hero of the GNU's sat at the head of the table,
Sharpening their knives, all willing and able.

And they smiled at the GNU's and said with a grin,
"Who wants the first slice?"
Then the carving would begin....

And all through the night the GNU's enjoyed their free feast,
SCO stew, SCO pie and of course, roast SCO beast.

Copyright 2003 Scott Lazar

In appreciation and thanks to Dr. Seuss.

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