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ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar - Updated by Groklaw's ColdPizza Gang
Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 07:04 PM EST

There is no way Scott Lazar can read Coldplay's DRM notice of terms and conditions without inspiration striking. So here is his latest, ColdPizza. Groklaw has no law against creativity, so feel free to add your own touches. Enjoy!

Update: Some of your additions were so much fun, I asked Scott if we could incorporate them. He thought it was a good idea, so he picked out the best he wanted to add to his original. I've made the additions italic, so you can see the differences. For credits, just look through the comments. There are many more that are also fun. One suggests that the following terms are found printed on the back of the pizza, or alternatively, under the cheese. Another suggests you obtain pizza only with a GNU Pizza license, to which another says: and only with open sauce topping.

I loved the reaction to one confession by Groklaw's RealProgrammer to making pizza omelettes out of cold pizza:

You will pay dearly for that, Mr. RealProgrammer.

The PIAA (Pizza Industry Ass. of America) does not find it amusing that you would pirate the hard work of their members. Creative people making almost minimum wage put many years of total effort into that recipe, and they have a right to insist that you only use the ingrediants as intended.

The PIAA expects you to identify yourself and pay prompt restitution forthwith. Failure to do so will result in legal action against you and any of your friends or family with which you have shared in this abominable piracy of fine pizza ingrediants. Our legal firm, "Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe" will be in contact with you as soon as they can compel your grocery store to identify you.

We believe our motto says it all: "The PIAA: All your pizza are belong to us!"

And I loved these contributions too:

"Most people, I think, don't even know what salmonella is so why should they care about it?" - ColdPizza VP of marketing, Thomas Hissiefit.

And in latest news:

WASHINGTON -- The pizza industry sued 477 more ColdPizza eaters Wednesday, including dozens of college students at schools in 11 states, accusing them of illegally sharing pizza at parties. "We hope our legal efforts will educate the public that ColdPizza swapping is an illegal activity with serious consequences."

***************************

ColdPizza
~ by Scott Lazar

COLDPIZZA

THIS FOOD PRODUCT (FP) IS A COPY PROTECTED FOOD PRODUCT

Thank you very much for purchasing this FOOD PRODUCT and helping the cause of "Anti-Piracy". The components in this FOOD PRODUCT may have anti-eat/anti-reheat function(s). They cannot be resold, reheated or stored in unauthorized devices. In order to ensure a high quality food experience, we have added this special technology.

Before purchasing or consuming, please read the following:

USAGE GUIDELINES:

This FOOD PRODUCT cannot be re-heated using an unauthorized FOOD PRODUCT Reheating (FP-R) device, nor can it be converted into smaller slices for food sharing.

You may not, through the use of external implements, alter the size of the FOOD PRODUCT.

The maximum ratio of FOOD PRODUCT portions is limited to no more than 3.14159265 servings per person per purchased item. By purchasing this FOOD PRODUCT, you agree in advance to purchase in sufficient quantity so as not to exceed this limitation.

Only officially licensed and legally purchased ingredients and/or toppings may be used in conjunction with this FOOD PRODUCT. As such, you agree not to alter the finished FOOD PRODUCT by either adding unauthorized ingredients or removing any existing ingredients.

By purchasing or consuming this FOOD PRODUCT you agree not to reverse-engineer the FOOD PRODUCT via disassembly for the purpose of obtaining a list of ingredients or calculating the proportions of same.

By purchasing or consuming this FOOD PRODUCT you agree not to independently produce, or aid in the production of, any similar product, whether for personal or commercial use.

You are licensed only to permit the one-time travel of FOOD PRODUCT through a single digestive system in the conventional direction. Re-ingestion, regurgitation or sharing by yourself or others in any other method is specifically denied.

Should the container FOOD PRODUCT is delivered in be stolen, lost, or discarded your license will be terminated. Transferring ownership of the FOOD PRODUCT box by any means (including waste disposal) will be treated as an attempt to resell FOOD PRODUCT.

Re-distribution of FOOD PRODUCT in any fashion is strictly prohibited.

If your license for FOOD PRODUCT is terminated for any reason, any FOOD PRODUCT remaining uneaten, partially digested, uneliminated, or otherwise unincorporated must be immediately returned at your cost to the manufacturer.

The FOOD PRODUCT may incorporate security features that could monitor your use of this and any other food products. Whilst possible side effects may include in rare cases loss of balance, autoimmune irregularities, intestinal discomfort, gout, obesity or even death, you agree in advance to hold Manufacturer blameless.

This FOOD PRODUCT has been manufactured for usage only in specific FOOD PRODUCT cooking devices and storage containers and might not be usable with the following devices:

  • Some FOOD PRODUCT reheaters that have the capability of reheating competing products
  • Some microwave heating devices with pre-defined "Pizza" or "Sandwich" buttons
  • Any FOOD PRODUCT cookers which operate utilizing Celsius temperature scale
  • Some FOOD PRODUCT cookers or reheaters with convection capability
  • Some FOOD PRODUCT (FP-R/RW) reheaters designed for use in dormitory settings
  • Some portable FOOD PRODUCT carrying containers
  • Some serving and/or warming trays
  • Some FOOD PRODUCT cleaning devices, such as generic napkins, paper towels or wet wipes-style products
  • Some denture products, including partial bridges and unapproved full ceramic teeth replacements

Although you can visually and olfactorally inspect the FOOD PRODUCT, this does not imply that the FOOD PRODUCT can be consumed in all situations. The first time that this FOOD PRODUCT is purchased (either for delivery and/or through the use of a debit/credit card) it will automatically register with the production franchise. In addition, the first time that this FOOD PRODUCT is consumed (not necessarily purchased) it will automatically be registered with the production franchise. Thus, non-competing foodstuffs already registered will not affect eating and purchasing functions.

We retain the rights to all "derivative products" resulting from the use of FOOD PRODUCT, as co-mingled with other products during actual act of consumption (i.e. COLLECTIVE WORKS).

If it should be that the olfactory characteristics of ColdPizza are enhanced in the process of creating said COLLECTIVE WORKS (for example by the unauthorized addition of ColdBeer and CoolBeans), we reserve the right to such olfactory augmentations.

In the event that you should declare bankruptcy, you agree to return FOOD PRODUCT to manufacturer, regardless of current FOOD PRODUCT condition.

By purchasing and/or consuming this and any subsequent products, you agree that ColdPizza may share, disseminate and sell to our partners legally obtained demographic data about you and your pizza eating habits.

ColdPizza is designed to be eaten as is or reheated on top of a computer or laptop running only Genuine Windows operating systems. Alternatively, ColdPizza may be reheated on top of an XBox360 system, but under such circumstances ColdPizza will not be held responsible for burned FOOD PRODUCT.

ColdPizza may only be eaten by the original owner and may not be shared, either through physical distribution or via services such as ColdPizza Distribution and Delivery League (CDDL). ColdPizza does not support being heated by placing it on a computer or laptop running either the Mac or a GNU/Linux operating system.

Failure to observer all license terms (to which we retain the right to change at any time without your consent, approval, or knowledge) shall result in the immediate termination of your license. Any such termination will result in the loss of all rights to FOOD PRODUCT and no compensation will be payable.

Except for manufacturing problems, we do not accept any exchange, return or refund.

Through the purchase, delivery, consumption or through the act of opening the container of FOOD PRODUCT you are signifying your agreement to the conditions and stipulations outlined above.

A copy of this agreement is provided on the inside cover of all authorized FOOD PRODUCT containers.

Enjoy your ColdPizza.


© Copyright 2006 Scott Lazar and Pamela Jones.


  


ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar - Updated by Groklaw's ColdPizza Gang | 165 comments | Create New Account
Comments belong to whoever posts them. Please notify us of inappropriate comments.
Off Topic Here Please
Authored by: Kosh Nanarek on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 07:09 PM EST


---
"And so, it begins."

[ Reply to This | # ]

Corrections here
Authored by: mattw on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 07:10 PM EST
They're not mistakes, it's called felicity of style.

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Steve Martin on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 07:24 PM EST

ColdPizza is designed to be eaten as is or reheated on top of a computer or laptop running the Windows operating system.

Alternatively, ColdPizza may be reheated on top of an XBox360 system, but under such circumstances ColdPizza whill not be held responsible for burned FOOD PRODUCT.

ColdPizza may only be eaten by the original owner and may not be shared, either through physical distribution or via services such as ColdPizza Distribution and Delivery League (CDDL).

(Hmmmm... pizza. Wonder if Domino's is open tonight?)

---
"When I say something, I put my name next to it." -- Isaac Jaffee, "Sports Night"

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 08:00 PM EST
Dude you are on to something. I think DRM could be employed in ways thought
unimagineable before.
DRM toilets that lock the TP vendor to type of toilet.
DRM childrens toys that don't allow "toy-sharing"
DRM marriages that limit the amount of "wife-swapping" unless we of
course receive a fee.
DRM based voting where in Utah you can only vote for Orin or else your children
blow up.

My goodness people we have a goldmine here.

In all seriousness I think the only way to take on the patent issue is for
someone with deep pockets to build some hueristic software that figures out
every area in which theres no patent. And files for them all. Patent air Patent
sex Patent eating. Once everything is patented then whats the use right? It is
the only way to prove to the establishment that the entire concept of patenting
a idea for the most part is absurd. And it would be downright fun to send SCO a
cease and desist relating to violations of your breathing patent.

[ Reply to This | # ]

Parody from 1986 Australia...
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 08:08 PM EST
The then Treasurer Paul Keating was parodied on a radio skit "1986: Was it
really worth it?" as saying the following after announcing the annual
budget:

Keating: "There ya are I done it!!! I promised them everything. Gave them
nothing. And before they got it, I took it off them!"
...In some way this sums up SCO's evidence rather nicely I believe!

(Laughter=Priceless international free Currency)

[ Reply to This | # ]

Oh boy
Authored by: lifewish on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 08:52 PM EST
I really really wish I was the RIAA's pizza delivery guy, just so I could stick
that on the inside of the lid.

I've never wished to be the RIAA's pizza delivery guy before, so kudos to Scott
for helping me see the benefits :)

---
The greed of the few trumps the need of the many

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza -- More conditions
Authored by: Crocodile_Dundee on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 09:19 PM EST
These by the PIAA (Pizza Industry Association of America)

If you break the licence terms (which we may change at any time without your
consent, approval, or knowledge) then your licence will be terminated. Any such
termination will result in the loss of all rights to ColdPizza and no
compensation will be payable.

You are licenced only to permit the one time travel of ColdPizza through a
single digestive system in the conventional direction. Reingestion or sharing
by yourself or others is specifically denied and circumvention of this by
spitting or vomiting will be treated as attempts to pirate ColdPizza.

Attempts to pirate ColdPizza will result in termination of the licence and
additional punative damages equivalent to the termination of 5,000 ColdPizza
licenses.

Should the box ColdPizza is delivered in be stolen, lost, or discarded your
licence will be terminated. Transferring ownership of the ColdPizza box by any
means (including waste disposal) will be treated as an attempt to pirate
ColdPizza.

If your licence for ColdPizza is terminated, any ColdPizza remaining uneaten,
partially digested, uneliminated, or incorporated into your body must be
immediatly returned at your cost to the manufacturer. The Manufacturer will
surgically remove body parts (at your cost) to ensure the return of the gross
mass of the ColdPizza where you have insufficient toilet receipts to cover any
difference in mass.

The ColdPizza may incorporate security features that could monitor your
digestion of this and any other food products. Whilst possible side effects may
include loss of balance, regular collapse, or even death, we won't actually tell
you about this or allow informed consent as what you don't know obviously can't
hurt you.

If you sue us by class action we will settle for a slap on the wrist and a small
percentage of our profit margin, but we won't actually stop delivering
ColdPizza.

---
---
That's not a law suit. *THIS* is a law suit!

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, the copyright sequel
Authored by: BuggyFunBunny on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 09:29 PM EST
I've not gone below the top level comments, so this may yet be a duplicate.
ColdPizza (space or not??) is an ESPN copyright or trademark or bitemark.
whatever. seems kind of fitting.

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 10:11 PM EST
No thanks, I'll eat my home-baked GNU-Pizza in stead!! Much better tasting AND I
can let my family eat as much as they want.

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 10:32 PM EST
These gorditas, chew chew chew, are best microwaved, chew chew chew, you may
cook them in a pan, chew chew chew, but you may not experience, chew chew chew,
the full features of the , chew chew chew, product!

Above was true while reading the article, they were really tough but drove home
the irony! BTW, my pizza is FAR better, maybe I should GPL it?

Tufty

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Stumbles on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 10:37 PM EST
Since pizza is also referred to as a pi, the portions should be
limited to no more than 3.14159265............

---
You can tuna piano but you can't tune a fish.

[ Reply to This | # ]

Unknown Terms
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 10:42 PM EST
It is bad enough to have this happen at all but the worst thing is that buyers
do not know what terms they have to abide by until after it is too late to
unwind the transaction. I feel it was a major blunder of the legal system to
allow shrinkwrap licenses to have binding effect.

Why is the protection of Imaginary Property allowed so much more leeway than the
protection of Real or Personal Property? How far does this have to go? The
public is being scammed in major ways yet our governmental representatives are
silent?

Is the government so far out of touch with the people that we are considered as
just a resource for corporations to mine for cash, with Washington there solely
to aid them?

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Anonymous on Wednesday, January 04 2006 @ 10:55 PM EST
Is the US release hobbled in the same way that the Indian version is? I checked
out CP's site and the consensus was (surprise)that there were no DRM issues with
the version sold here and in England.

[ Reply to This | # ]

Pizza omelettes
Authored by: RealProgrammer on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 02:21 AM EST
For years, I've taken the leftover pizza and used the topping as the filling in
omelettes the next morning. The flavors of the toppings have been cooked and
then cooled, which assures a wonderful mixture when reheated.

Simply scrape the cheese, etc., onto a cutting surface and dice. Use it as you
would any other omelette filling.

If you have wedge-shaped slices, pop the toppingless crust in the toaster, point
up. The toaster will dry the slices, leaving a marvelous tomato sauce flavor.

I've found that even frozen pizza topping makes great omelettes.

---
(I'm not a lawyer, but I know right from wrong)

[ Reply to This | # ]

Well, that was perfunctory
Authored by: Anonymous on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 02:57 AM EST
I'm sure there's a funny version of this out there somewhere, but I'm getting
pretty tired of reading this sort of pointless waffle on what I understood to be
a fact-based site.

[ Reply to This | # ]

Funny...
Authored by: DaveJakeman on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 03:43 AM EST
...but not as funny as the original.

Oh, what was that? The original wasn't a joke?

---
Should one hear an accusation, first look to see how it might be levelled at the
accuser.

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, public eating performance
Authored by: DannyB on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 10:00 AM EST
Any public place with seats must pay an annual royalty in case anyone sits and
eats FOOD PRODUCT, thus creating a public eating performance.

---
The price of freedom is eternal litigation.

[ Reply to This | # ]

We're going to get lynched
Authored by: Anonymous on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 10:52 AM EST
With apologies to, and deepest respect for the works of, the late philosopher
Douglas Adams.

"O people waiting in the Shadow of Deep Spin!" she cried out.
"Honoured Descendants of the Groklawians ... The Time of Discovery is
over!"

Wild cheers broke out amongst the crowd. Flags, streamers and wolf whistles
sailed through the air.

Curiously enough, though she didn't know it, the speaker was a direct
female-line descendent of PJ, the Speaker of Facts. Though the only vestiges
left of her mighty ancestry were the effortless way in which she could irritate
SCO-Corp executives and a burning desire to tell the truth.

"Seven and a half million years our race has waited for this Great and
Hopefully Enlightening Day!" she cried. "The Day of the Answer!"

Hurrahs burst from the ecstatic crowd.

"Never again", cried the speaker, "will we wake up in the morning
and think: What is my purpose in life? Is my Linux distro legal? Will I be sued
by SCO-Corp? (motto: 'Our lawyers are your friends'). What, cosmically speaking,
did IBM do wrong?"

"For today we will finally learn once and for all the plain and simple
answer to ... is there any Infringing Code in Linux?"

Two severely dressed men sat respectfully before the terminal and waited. The
descendants of Boise the Procrastinator and Darl the Great Story Teller.

"The time is nearly upon us," said one.

"Seventy-five thousand generations ago, our ancestors set this great
Program in motion to complete Discovery in SCO v IBM," the second man said,
"and in all that time we will be the first to hear the computer
speak."

"An awesome project, Macabee," agreed the first man.

"We are the ones who will hear," said Macabee, "the answer to the
great question of Infringing Code in AIX ... !"

"Linux ... !" said Ambchase.

"And Everything ... !"

"Shhh," said Ambchase with a slight gesture, "I think Deep Spin
is preparing to speak!"

There was a moment's expectant pause whilst panels slowly came to life on the
front of the console. Lights flashed on and off and a discordant buzz came from
the communication channel.

"Good morning," said Deep Spin at last.

"Er ... Good morning, O Deep Spin," said Ambchase nervously, "do
you have ... er, that is ..."

"An answer for you?" interrupted Deep Spin majestically. "Yes. I
have."

The two men shivered with expectancy. Their waiting had not been in vain.

"There really is Infringing Code?" breathed Macabee.

"There really is," confirmed Deep Spin.

"In AIX, Linux and Everything?"

"Yes."

Both of the men had been trained for this moment, their lives had been a
preparation for it, they had been selected at birth as those who would witness
the Finding of Infringing Code, but even so they found themselves in awe that
their quest would finally be over.

"And you're ready to show it to us?" urged Ambchase.

"I am."

"Now?"

"Now," said Deep Spin.

They both licked their dry lips.

"Though I don't think," added Deep Spin, "that you're going to
like it."

"Doesn't matter!" said Macabee. "We must see it! Now!"

"Now?" inquired Deep Spin.

"Yes! Now ..."

"Alright," said the computer and settled into silence again. The two
men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.

"You're really not going to like it you know," observed Deep Spin.

"Tell us!"

"Alright," said Deep Spin. "The Answer to the Great Question
..."

"Yes '..!"

"... of how many Bytes of Infringing Code there are ... in AIX, Linux and
Everything ..."

"Yes ...!"

"Is." said Deep Spin, and paused.

"Yes ...!"

"Is."

"Yes ... !!! ...?"

"Forty-two," said Deep Spin, with infinite majesty and calm.

It was a long time before either of them spoke. Out of the corner of his eye
Macabee glimpsed the sea of Groklaw banners fluttering gently in the square
outside.

"We're going to get lynched aren't we?" he whispered.

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Anonymous on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 11:18 AM EST
You Sir are a Loo Pirate... a most dispicable person indeed..

[ Reply to This | # ]

It has occurred to me . . .
Authored by: jdashton on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 01:00 PM EST
. . . that things would be very different if every shop that sells CDs, DVDs,
software and other "licensed" materials kept a lawyer in a suit standing by the
cash register. Just imagine: before you are permitted to sign your credit-card
receipt, the lawyer walks you, paragraph by paragraph, through the license of
whatever you're buying. Before you can complete the transaction you are forced
to face up to all the onerous terms that you are about to accept. You first
sign the license (as any license should require anyway!) and then complete your
purchase.

Imagine, for a moment, how the big industry players would explain to
the court why they don't already do this. "It would hurt sales! Customers
would run away rather than accept these licenses." No kidding!

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Anonymous on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 01:28 PM EST
You forgot to note this is a REGION 1 pizza (the lack of Celsius support is a
dead giveaway.)

[ Reply to This | # ]

ColdPizza, a parody by Scott Lazar
Authored by: Anonymous on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 02:20 PM EST
Your license to consume this Food Product is automatically terminated should you
declare bankruptcy, and any uneaten Food Product must be promptly surrendered.

[ Reply to This | # ]

Digestion Restriction Maniacs
Authored by: grouch on Thursday, January 05 2006 @ 08:29 PM EST
Dear Digestion Restriction Maniacs:

I am not a thief; I do not unlawfully deprive others of their property, neither
by deception nor force. I am not a pirate; I do not seize control of ships or
planes, even by use of armed force.

Your public rhetoric, in defense of the onerous terms and conditions you place
upon the rental and subsequent (limited) usage of your product, implies and
presumes that I am both a thief and a pirate. I find such rhetoric as offensive
as your attempts to obtain and maintain unprecedented post-sale control over
your products.

Since you obviously have great difficulty in relinquishing possession of your
products and consider them to be precious so far beyond the market price that
they cannot be trusted in the hands of mere paying customers, I must decline the
opportunity to pay you for the privilege of surrendering myself to your terms
and conditions. It would be extremely inconsiderate of me to cause you to part
with even such limited control as your license allows, in the face of such
strong indications of your possibly neurotic obsession with your product.

Please accept my sincerest wish that you never be parted from your most precious
product and that its pristine, unsold, unreleased state forevermore brings you
joy and happiness, unmarred by the taint of the base sensory perceptions of mere
consumers such as myself.


---
-- grouch

http://edge-op.org/links1.html

[ Reply to This | # ]

Groklaw is law abiding -- Please notify PIAA of the following site.
Authored by: Anonymous on Friday, January 06 2006 @ 01:43 PM EST
Dear PJ,

I know that even though you do not approve of all of our current laws. However I also know that you respect the laws we have. When you find you disagree with a law, you do not advocate breaking the law, but rather attempt to inform your readers so they will be motivated to lobby our law makers for legal reform.

This being said, I had to do some serious soul searching when I found the following web site:
Pizza Recipies.
I seriously debated the action I should take. Being a coward, I decided to post this here anonymously, confident that you will notify the proper authorities of this blatent abuse of the terms of use published by the PIAA.

Respectfully
A law abiding citizen.

[ Reply to This | # ]

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